At a stand still

Have you ever felt that your life was at a stand still? As in you don’t know if you are going or coming? I think we all have been there and it can easily become depressing. So question is how do we get out of that funk?

1) Have a vision of what you desire- most of the time when we are all over the place it is because we don’t have our visions planned out. Some believe in making vision boards filled with pictures of what they want to have. If you place it somewhere that you see everyday, it will constantly stay in your line of vision and you will do what it takes to get those goals accomplished.
2) words of affirmation- writing down positive thoughts about yourself or listening to positive self help recordings can also be beneficial and encouraging. If you feed yourself positive cognitions, the better You.
3) surround yourself around positive people- that is as simple as it gets. Try not to associate with people who bring negativity to your space or those who are “Debbie downers”. Hearing encouragement from your inner circle will truly do wonders.
4) prayer and/or mediation- many search to their religious beliefs to pray or practice some sort of calming ritual such as meditating. You are able to clear your mind, let go of stress and Breathe.

These are just few suggestions to getting yourself “out of a funk”. It doesn’t just happen over night so expect to travel the distance and not a quick sprint.

Do you have any other practices that help you get ” out of a funk”?

Later Beauties,
Nikki

Oh Baby! Bowlby’s Attachment Theory

Welcome to parenthood!

Life as you know will forever be different. From the pregnancy to delivery to having a newborn in your arms.
Sleeping in late? Ha ha! That’s done… for now at least. Well sleeping at night is a joke too because more than likely your little one wants to play, be held or is more fussy.
Feedings, burping, spit-ups, funny faces, dirty diapers, coos and of course some crying all new territory for first time parents but can be a walk around the block for “been there done that” parents.

As a new mom to a baby boy, I’ve gone through so many highs and lows of emotions. Every little move he makes has me on my toes wondering are u ok? When his eyes does meet with mine, does he see how much I love him? Or does he at least feel secure or protected? As a psychology major this brings me back to the attachment theory of Bowlby.

Bowlby’s attachment theory-
Evolutionary theory of attachment (e.g. Bowlby, Harlow, Lorenz) suggests that children come into the world biologically pre-programmed to form attachments with others, because this will help them to survive. The infant produces innate ‘social releaser’ behaviors such as crying and smiling that stimulate innate caregiving responses from adults. The determinant of attachment is not food but care and responsiveness.

Bowlby suggested that a child would initially form only one primary attachment (monotropy) and that the attachment figure acted as a secure base for exploring the world. The attachment relationship acts as a prototype for all future social relationships so disrupting it can have severe consequences.

This theory also suggests that there is a critical period for developing an attachment (about 0 -5 years). If an attachment has not developed during this period then the child will suffer from irreversible developmental consequences, such as reduced intelligence and increased aggression. (Info from simply psychology.org)

Interesting findings huh? Of course this is a theory however it does make a lot of sense. I do believe that the nurturing of a baby in the infant stages does play a role with their mood, and overall interactions with other people.

Another psychologist, Harlow did an experiment using infant Monkeys. In this day, the experiment is considered cruel and unethical however I find the study to be an interesting expansion from Bowlby’s theory.

The experiment used two groups of monkeys that was taken away from their biological mother after birth. The study included surrogate mothers one that was made of wire and a terry cloth surrogate mother both that provided food. After each feeding the monkeys would always return to the cloth surrogate. Even when an object that posed as a threat was presented, the monkeys ran to the cloth surrogate for protection oppose to the wire surrogate.

According to the article by simplypsychology.org, “These infants were highly dependent on their mothers for nutrition, protection, comfort and socialization. What exactly, though, was the basis of the bond?

The behavioral theory of attachment would suggest that an infant would form an attachment with a carer that provides food. In contrast the evolutionary theory would suggest that infants have an innate (biological) need to touch and cling to something for emotional comfort.

This surrogate was more effective in decreasing the youngsters fear. The infant would explore more when the cloth mother was present. This supports the evolutionary theory of attachment, in that it is the sensitive response and security of the caregiver that is important (as apposed to the provision of food).

Harlow concluded that for a monkey to develop normally s/he must have some interaction with an object to which they can cling during the first months of life (critical period). Clinging is a natural response – in times of stress the monkey runs to the object to which it normally clings as if the clinging decreases the stress.”

What are your thoughts on both theories? With Harlow, it makes sense to me because when a baby is scared he or she needs to feel safe and secure. If the baby isn’t getting that connection from their caregiver, it may be possible for anxiety or trust issues to arise in social relationship as he or she gets older. It’s the act of survival.

As a new parent I will do my best to protect my son, make him feel secure while he does explore on his own during different development stages.

Thoughts?

Nikki
*disclaimer- this is My blog so I did Not use proper APA format*

Embracing Pregnancy

Normally the type of post I write are geared towards relationships, career goals and encouragement. I’ve slightly touched on a few personal experiences until now… Yep My husband and I are 9 months pregnant with our first child. I’m beyond excited, nervous, and anxious all in one. I decided to blog on this topic because in my eyes I believe pregnancy is not only embraced by the mother (or surrogate) carrying the child but it’s also embraced by her significant other.
I would be lying if I said that I’m the only one pregnant or expecting. My husband and I are expecting our first child and we are pregnant. The things that are constantly running through my head are definitely running in his. Yes men and women have concerns and some are from different angles of thinking but it’s all the same, how to be a great parent and life changes due to the wellness and upbringing of their child.
I do realize that unfortunately this is not the reality for all parents and couples. An expectant mother and father could both feel isolated. In the sense that the mother is experiencing so many changes in her body, hormones and appearance in which her partner is not. Even the father, may feel isolated because all the attention is no longer on him which may be because the dynamics of the relationship had changed. What I believe is key is to continue to communicate and to remember the baby comes from love. Babies are truly a blessing and I’m so happy to embark this new journey.

Do’s and Don’ts if you plan to stay in a committed relationship

I am no relationship guru however I am intrigued by the study of marriage and relationships. I actually plan to obtain a degree in marriage and family counseling. So I entitled this post to be the do’s and don’ts if you plan to stay in a committed relationships because even though we are human and make mistakes we still forget the basics.

Do’s to stay in a committed relationship:
Rather you are courting, engaged or married, I will name a few things to continue to do in your relationship.

1) uplift your partner- with so much issues we deal with outside of home, you don’t need to be put down in your own house.
2)continue to be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
3) if you started out the relationship doing sweet little things such as writing poetry, buying flowers, making your partner’s favorite meal continue to do so. Hey, you made it this far for a reason right?
4) recognize your partner’s love language. Gary Chapman wrote a book called “the 5 love languages” it’s excellent.
5)spend quality time- just because you are in the same room and sleep in together doesn’t count if there are distractions. So if one is on the phone, playing video games or watching a tv show, does your partner really have your UNDIVIDED attention? Think about it.
6) date night is a must- even if you have crazy schedules, kids or pets; always find a way to escape from it all. Even if it is staying in, find a calming place or room to be one with one another.
7) always say “I love you”- when you say it mean it an probe it through your actions towards your partner.
8) when making decisions ask for feedback from your partner- when you do this, your partner will see how much their opinion means to you. The last thing you want is to make a decision and your partner is totally against it.
9) Remain bestfriends- I will never get the concept of your partner not being a friend to you as well as lover. It’s like do you know what it takes to be a friend? If so your partner has to fall in that category.
10) With the exception of the higher being you worship, your partner’s happiness comes before others- this is straight to the point. Continue to aim for their happiness and out their feelings first, I guarantee they will do the same back.

The Don’ts
1) Cheat- if you are truly unhappy, just leave. It’s time wasted that you Both can’t get back. It’s also very selfish and if you are in a committed relationship, selfish is one trait you do not have room for.
2) threaten to leave- not only does it show your insecurities but it makes your person feel like you are throwing in the towel. Let’s say your partner calls your bluff and doesn’t fall into your attention seeking (yes it’s a cry for attention) trap, what will you do then? You said it, so you must have meant it right? Think on that one.
3) be disrespectful- you can’t expect respect if you don’t give it. For example, If your partner talks in a tone or uses language that you do not like; you can’t speak to them that way either.
4) tit for tat- that doesn’t work. So your partner did something on day 1 and you want to get back at him or her so you do the same on day 2. What was accomplished? 2 full days of being angry at one another all because of pride. Act your age on that please.
5) your partner is not your Ex- if you treat your partner in the same manner you did with your ex, my guess is you plan for this relationship to be short-lived. You can’t go in to a new relationship doing the same things that Didn’t work previously.
6) don’t keep feelings bottled up to yourself- all what happens is that you will blow up one day and while this happens, your partner will be lost and confuse about all the anger you are lashing out. Communication is key!
7) you are not a parent- there is a difference between expressing concern and treating an adult like a child. Yes it’s nice to check in but your partner does not need another parent to boss them around.
8) you have to be whole first- you can’t expect your partner to complete every aspect of your life. You have to be comfortable in your own skin, love yourself and accept yourself. Whatever is missing you can’t hold them responsible to fill the voids especially when they have theirselves to work on as well.
9) forgive and then not forgive-if you and your partner reconcile and you expressed that you forgave them, please stop bringing up that same issue from months ago. You aren’t perfect and expect forgiveness so you need to do the same for them.
10) get advice from certain “friends”- we have heard stop taking advice from single friends. Well it depends because if they have been in a committed relationship it doesn’t hurt to listen but if your friend has gone through relationships like they change their clothes… Not a good idea. Also, remember you know your partner on an intimate level. Their friends and family know them from that aspect not romantically, so who else could really be able to tell you about them romantically but you? Think about it..
11) be selfish- you have to make sacrifices. In a relationship it can’t be one-sided. This will definitely push your partner away because it shows you only care about yourself and not them.

These are just few do’s an don’ts, there are plenty more. In my opinion these are the basics. Reflect on yourself and relationship and make adjustments where it may be needed.

Later Beauties,
Nikki

Deep-rooted issues does take a toll on relationships

Nature vs. Nurture has always been the big debate of what makes us who we are. In my opinion I believe it’s both along with biological factors. We get our moral values from our up raising/how we were nurtured by our families and we pick up our personality habits from nature/ our environment. Then how we “tick” can be inherited as well.

There is no perfect family or life, if you come across someone who said they had the perfect life, they are lying and are telling their imaginary life stories just to draw you in. Everyone has a history regardless good or not good and it molds us into the person we are today.

For example, If you have trust issues because of family secrets or from dating experiences, you need to battle those feelings out before you decide to give a person a chance. It’s not fair to the other person to be dragged along with your emotions because you didn’t have yourself together. It’s also not fair to yourself to not have complete happiness.

Express your feelings. It’s possible that by opening up to one another, you may discover that he or she has similar experiences or emotions they are struggling with as well. The support given can bring a lot of positive to your lives.

So friends, tackle your past but don’t stay there. You are not destined to be in a screwed-up situation and you will only have what you put out.
Peace,
Nikki

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Patience is a virtue

I know we have heard this phrase plenty of times. Our elders say “don’t rush things”, “your time is coming”, or “you have to wait”. Most of the time it could have been a contest we wanted to win or wanted to do something that we were to young to do. Question is now: What about adulthood?

As adults, we work, have responsibilities and want to live a certain life style. We have an attitude that things need to be quick and in our hands immediately but like our elders said “you have to wait”. Just because you have to wait does to mean u sit on a stoop and count sheep, no you have to continue to work hard to have what ever it is you have lined up.

If it’s a relationship that you want to have, don’t worry even though you haven’t met him or her on the first few dates doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t exist. It can be many factors to why you weren’t aligned to meet yet or if you have met, possibly the opportunity isn’t right at that moment. Just don’t give up, keep bettering yourself and it all will work out.

If it’s career decisions, that too will work out. Rather it’s a business you are starting, that dream job or promotion, it will be your turn soon. You will be successful and it all does come together. Keep trying, don’t give up.

Patience is a Virtue….

Experience brings experiences

Experience=experiment and the lessons taught/learned

Haven’t we all been there? We have been told don’t do this or don’t do that but it doesn’t click unless we try it anyway.

I do believe that somethings do need to happen so we can have the experience and hopefully learn from it. So then we can share what we did wrong, reflect and not make the same mistake twice.

Do you agree that experience bring experiences?

Walking away from turmoil

When you’re a child getting into fights were some what the “norm”. If someone hit you, you would hit them back or if someone disrespected your mother, you were ready for war. At what point do you realize that physical contact changes nothing?

In school, if you fight you will get suspended or even expelled. It’s not worth it but as a child you are not mature enough to grasp that.

On your job, if you fight you can get fired and potentially get arrested. I don’t know about you but if that’s a place where you get your income to eat and pay for your place of living, I’d think twice about knocking someone out.

Lastly, fighting in your neighborhood/community. Now that the internet is filled with fights, are you sure you want to be amongst them? Some of you have children, do you want them to see you in a police car due to assault charges? Some careers that people have can result in the lost of certain licenses or certifications once you’ve been arrested… Is it worth it?

It’s all pride my friends. You feel if someone disrespects you that they should be taught a lesson. If you are not in harms way or feel physically threatened, walk away.

At the end of the day, people talk and words do hurt but be smarter and better. No matter how many times you go to battle, that opinion of your enemy never changes. He or she will still call you all the names under the sun even if they have a black eye.

Be better, do better….Walk Away

Cures of Physical Touch

Hey!

I saw an interesting tweet this morning that said cuddling can be a cure for pain just as pain killers are. Hmmm, I don’t know about you but it makes sense to me.

Like babies or a small child, when they hurt themselves or are feeling “under the weather”, seeking comfort from their caregiver adds to the recovery process. They feel safe and secure that whatever the issue is he or she will be fine. I feel this applies to grown-ups as well.

If you are not feeling well rather it be physical, mental or emotionally, seeking the arms of a companion, friend or family member can put you in better spirits. Sometimes, words are not needed to know someone is there for you during a challenging time. Just the embrace of feeling safe, secure and wanted speaks louder than any “I’m sorry this is happening with you” comments.

How does physical touch (hugging, cuddling) make you feel?